Martha, Mary, and the proverbial wife

I just recently read a New York Times article about a new book about Pope Francis, “Pope Francis: His Life in His Own Words,” a series of conversation between the current pope and two Argentinean journalists. Here is an excerpt from the article:

 Responding to the question, “Do we need to rediscover the meaning of leisure?” Pope Francis replies: “Together with a culture of work, there must be a culture of leisure as gratification. To put it another way: people who work must take the time to relax, to be with their families, to enjoy themselves, read, listen to music, play a sport. But this is being destroyed, in large part, by the elimination of the Sabbath rest day. More and more people work on Sundays as a consequence of the competitiveness imposed by a consumer society.” In such cases, he concludes, “work ends up dehumanizing people.”

The American psychiatrist Conrad Baars also emphasized the need to be affective, rather than effective, which falls in line with the leisure that Pope Francis calls for. One cannot be moved by the beauty, joy and goodness that surrounds us if we are constantly busy, constantly on the move. The article then goes on to say:

Some pages later, he derides people who think of themselves as Catholic but don’t make time for their children. This is an example, according to Pope Francis, of living “with fraud.”

Conrad Baars and his colleague Anna Terruwe worked with many clients diagnosed with emotional deprivation disorder. For many of them, they lacked the unconditional love of parents, and thus had disordered emotional lives. Their parents did not take time to be with them, or if they did spend time with them, it was only with a willed emotional rapport, not a spontaneous expression of joy and happiness at being with their child. So Baars and Terruwe saw the effect of this "fraud" in their clients who grew up with parents who did not take time to be with them.

This leads me to another thought. Lately I have been thinking of Conrad Baars' emphasis on leisure and affectivity over effectivity and comparing that with the proverbial wife from Proverbs 31 in the Bible. Many Protestants and Orthodox Jews love this passage, and even a few Catholic women as well. At first glance, the proverbial wife seems pretty admirable. She is up late at night baking bread, she prepares food at odd hours when everyone is asleep, she makes things with her own hands, is quite creative, generous and a good investor. Her husband is honored. She has a long list of accomplishments, abilities, and amazing strength and energy. She laughs at the days to come. 

  However, let's face it, it would take a lot of supernatural grace to be able to do everything that she does on a daily or even weekly basis. She did have servants, and I am sure that helped. But given her sleep schedule (or lack thereof), I think the average women could not accomplish all the things that the proverbial wife is known for. Baking bread takes time to roll it out, knead it and then let it rise. Weaving is also a beautiful craft that is very time-consuming, and requires that one not be in a hurry. She also sews the fabric that she weaves into beautiful blankets, sashes, and clothes for all the people in her household. Any one who sews by hand knows how much time it takes to make beautiful clothes. She even has extra to sell to the merchants who come by. Even if she had servants to help with all the other duties of running a household such as food preparation, cleaning, child care, etc, she would still be one very busy woman.

   

   As I was pondering the example of the proverbial wife, a second story came to mind, the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10. Martha has invited Jesus over and is distracted by all the household preparations. She complains to Jesus about Mary sitting at his feet and listening to him. Then Martha tells Jesus to tell Mary to help out. Jesus says that Mary has chosen the better part. Jesus seems to really understand Martha well and tells her that she worries about many things, but none of them are really necessary. 

These two stories have very different images of leisure and work. The proverbial wife is strong, cheerful, and always working. We do not hear about her resting, although her husband is given a seat of honor among the elders at the city gates. Martha is like the proverbial wife, hard at work. Only this time, she is not cheerful, nor is she strong enough to do everything she wants to accomplish. She needs help and she expects it from  her sister Mary. Mary has left the work behind to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his words. She is the perfect model of a person at leisure. 

         I think there is much to ponder between these two stories, especially in modern, Western culture, which has indeed forgotten the Sabbath. We do struggle with wanting to do many things that maybe are not so important. We want to do, but strongly crave time to just be. Like Mary, we want to leave all the cares of the world behind and listen to Jesus, but like Martha, we have many distractions, both societal and personal that call us back and keep us from listening to God. 

        

Family-centered versus individual centered cultures

In graduate school for a masters in counseling, I came upon a popular theory that divided up societies into family-centered versus individual-centered cultures. We spoke of the positives and negatives of such societies, and began to see all society in that mode. Family-centered cultures placed greater emphasis on cohesion, unity, and working together. Individual-centered cultures placed greater emphasis on personal liberty, creativity, and individual achievement.

  However, now as I look back, I realized that I found myself very disenchanted with the apologetic and condescending way that family-centered cultures were presented. I was after all, attending an Evangelical school, where many counselors were sent at one point or another overseas to different cultures, so I suppose this was a way for them to understand and appreciate different cultures, very different from the one they were raised in. Nevertheless, by over-sympathizing and sometimes even glamorizing family-centered cultures and trying hard to shed the individual-centered culture that many of them were raised in, I felt that many of my classmates and teachers were missing an ability to truly understand and cherish each culture for its own sake.  Not only that, but in their enthusiasm, they could not see the very real problems that each culture faces.

 I think when it comes to true evangelism, one has to address not just the very positive aspects of a culture, but also the problems. One specific issue that comes to mind is the topic of adoption. Here in the United States, adoption is for the most part accepted on a societal basis. However, in other family-centered cultures, adoption is looked down upon, and happens much more rarely, because of the emphasis on biological ties.

The complete emphasis on family falls short when, for example, a person is left without family through no fault of their own. Thus, there is a strong lack of social services in family-centered cultures for elderly, unwed mothers, orphans, and widows, to name a few people who lack the support of family. I have discussed this issue at length with friends who come from more family-based cultures. They say that adoption is made more difficult because there are so many negative pressures from others. They worry about how their adopted children will be treated and other family members and neighbors refer to adopted children as "unnatural." They offer skepticism that adopted children could ever be loved by someone who is not their biological or adoptive child.

On the other hand, individual children, millions in fact, are never allowed to see the light of day through the heinous social acceptance of abortion. All of this is done in the name of individual "choice."

I would like to offer a different view of society, a sort of ideal that is neither family-centered nor individual centered. It is the way of Christ. In the Catholic church, families are upheld, and marriage is a sacrament. Everyone is adopted into God's family, if they freely choose to do so. Therefore it transcends tribal bonds, languages and ways of life. It also transcends human institutions, nationalities, and partisanship. At the same time, it does not come to destroy any of these existing human bonds and economies of life. Rather it supports life-giving practices and is critical of cultures that take away life, human dignity and free will, even if it comes at the expense of martyrdom. Therefore it is neither family-centered nor individual centered, but Christ-centered.

Theory versus practice

In looking up various graduate psychology programs, I came to this realization. There are very few where one can simply learn psychology and its theories without clinical application. This is quite remarkable when one considers that psychology is modern philosophy. That is to say, psychology is based on theories which affects people's lives on a regular basis, but where are the programs that really take a good look at the theories?

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 My husband attends a small Catholic liberal arts college, one of the best colleges of liberal arts in the nation. He reads the original works of many of the great writers (including some in the field of psychology) and discusses his readings with other students in class to form an understanding of each theory. The students go on to many various professions and graduate school, but they are equipped with a firm foundation and understanding in philosophy, including its many theories.

So then my next question is, where do psychological theories originate if not in graduate school programs? I think back to my time as a grad student and all the various psychological theories we studied. Many of the classical psychologists did indeed get their start in a university setting. Freud, Skinner, Wundt were all engaged in university work when they created their famous theories. I think of many of the more modern theories, such as Rational-Emotive-Behavioral Therapy and Narrative Therapy were created in collaboration with other psychologists outside of the academic world.

When I think back even further, most of the greatest or at least longest-lasting theories in psychology were made before the 1960's. Does this signal a decline in psychological theory, due to the modern emphasis on clinical experience, rather than the philosophy of psychology? Certainly enough time has passed since the 1960's to be able to examine the major theories, collect massive amounts of data, and see if those theories and their subsequent applications have indeed helped people improve their lives and mental health or if new theories need to be created and examined. Certainly something worth reflecting on.

How to prepare for a Catholic marriage - A post for women

A dear reader asked me for advice on how to prepare for marriage while dating. This post is intended as advice for females, although I am sure some other blogger somewhere could make a great post for men on the same subject.

I think that the most important thing is to prepare oneself spiritually for marriage. Visit the Blessed Sacrament often in adoration. Make it a date with your fiance. Say the rosary and dedicate your time of courtship to Our Lady, putting yourself in her care. Examine any harmful practices you have that will be detrimental to marriage and go to confession often. If you have not been attending mass on a regular basis, now is a good time to begin, so that you can begin to have not just a personal relationship with God, but also a communion with Him and others who love Him.


If you have been living/sleeping together or using contraception, now is a good time to examine why these practices are harmful to a loving relationship. Get rid of all the harmful toxins of birth control and learn about natural and more effective ways of regulating or enhancing fertility. You will learn so much about the wonders of the woman's body, and for fiance's it is a great chance to get to know their spouse better and be involved in planning for their family.

  Take a hard look at your finances and those of your fiance. Steer clear of big spenders. How much debt do each of you have? Is there a way you could tackle it before you get married? Now is the time to do it. Entering marriage with debt is always difficult, and if it can be avoided, it should. Look at all your expenses now and see if there are ways you can cut them down now, so you can save for the beginning of your marriage. Going to school? Consider whether you will actually want to work once you have children. Nowadays, going back to school is commonplace and can always be taken up again if the need arises. If either of you have debt, come up with a solid plan for getting rid of it as soon as possible. I highly recommend any good financial advisors, such as Dave Ramsey, for help with it. Getting rid of debt is a lot more doable than you think.

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Seriously consider  your future housing situation. I suggest starting off simple. There are many changes within the first couple years of married life, and the chances are good that you may  not stay in the first home you live. There is nothing wrong with starting off in an apartment or even living with family, if it means you can save up the money you need to buy a house with a big down payment, or even better, pay for it with cash.

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I can't stress enough how important it is to use the time you have while you are dating to learn how to run a household. My other mamacita friends were just talking about how hard it is to learn basic skills such as crafts and cooking once they had children. Because we had to wait for a while to have children, I had time to learn how to cook, decorate, manage a budget, and even knit and sew. I wish that I had spent even more time preparing myself, but I think in my heart I wondered if I would ever have children. Now that I have Susi, the time to learn a new skill is almost nonexistent. If  you have a good cook in the family or among friends, ask them to teach you what they know. Read recipe books and try out new dishes. Learn how to clean regularly, even if you have to read a book about it, because no one else in your immediate vicinity knows :).  Read books on organization, or ask your more organized friends for tips. Take some sewing or craft classes, they will come in so handy. Now that I know how to sew, we save so much money by mending what we do have and making new clothes for Susi. She is the best-dressed kid in the neighborhood and it costs me very little to make her new clothes. Try making a budget, and sticking to it. Don't go overboard with your wedding planning and keep everything home-made or second-hand, which is pretty trendy these days. Pinterest is a great way to keep all of your ideas together, and I highly recommend it for any sort of planning, ideas, or tutorials.

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Do you know how to garden? Try growing some plants in pots, and they will be ready for your new home, wherever it is. You can really stretch a budget with some fresh, organic, home-grown edibles. Just like the victory gardens of the WWII era, you can make your own "victory over debt" garden and enjoy the delicious results. Instead of gadgets and gizmos, put fruit trees and gardening supplies on your bridal shower gift list. Buy heirloom seeds which are much more nutrient rich and hardier than the hybridized variety.

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   Do you know how to paint or even hang a picture on a wall? Do you know the basis of interior decorating? Now is a great time to learn. Look at pictures of places you admire and make a book of them or pin them on pinterest. See what they have in common. Do you know how colors work together and what kind of an effect each color has on a room? Now is a good time to learn before you start painting and end up with some awful color that you regret later. I know lots of friends who want to have matching everything. If you plan on having lots of children, my advice is to let the only matching thing be that everything adds to the variety in your home. Unless someone offers you a nice furniture set or you truly have the money to put down cash on all the furniture in your house, I recommend buying a good quality table, sofa and beds,  but none of them need to be new. Some of the worst tables we had were new, and some of the best ones were used. We did buy a good red sofa at Ikea a while ago and it has stood the test of time, and best of all, the covers are washable. Scour thrift stores and craiglist to get good deals on furniture. The main thing is to make sure that all the furniture is child friendly, and you don't mind it getting bumped, dented, soiled or drawn on, because all of those things will happen at some point or another once the children come.

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  Speaking of children, make sure that you are both on board with having children. I have known more than enough stories of women who married men who did not want more kids. Menopause came, the women were grief-stricken and divorce often followed. The desire to have children is one of the strongest feelings a woman can have. Don't underestimate it.

   This a lot of advice, that came from eight  years of marriage and making lots of mistakes along the way.  This is an incomplete list, I am sure I will come up with other ideas later. If anyone wonders, I'm still learning and am anything but perfect. Perhaps over time, my ideas will change, as will my understanding of marriage. In the end, it is the effort that counts, and the most import thing to keep in mind is to dedicate your life and your marriage to God, without which none of those other things would be possible.

If anyone else has any other comments/tips/encouragement they want to add, please feel free to add them in the comment section.

Making lemonade out of fresh-picked lemons

So I'm sort of getting used to not having a table and only a few feet of counterspace. Learning to make the most out of what I have and adjust to life as is rather than what I would like to have. The other day, my sweet neighbor gave us a large bag of oranges. I made fresh orange juice in the morning. So this is what orange juice is supposed to taste like. So sweet!

Our make-shift table, the top of a plastic filing box.

The same sweet neighbor brought over fresh lemons. Sweet lemonade on a sunny afternoon is great.

So even though I've had to give up a lot of creature comforts, I've learned to be really grateful for all the blessings that come my way, like fresh oranges and lemons.

To save or not to save?

I made friends with a woman who believes that all food is a blessing and should never be wasted. I am pondering this, especially in regards to my work with my hoarding client. When is it okay to throw away, and when is it okay to save, and is moderation the path towards virtue as Aristotle says? What happens when there is extra food and no one can possibly eat it? Is it wrong to throw it away? Perhaps it is a problem of modern civilization that the poor are invisible and hence there is no one to give food to who really needs it. The same can be said for foster children who really need clothes, time, and attention, and again, they are invisible, tucked away in small corners of the world unable to receive the gifts that many people would be more than glad to give them, the surplus bounty of a good life.

New Vatican document on the role of psychology in seminaries

The Vatican has clarified the proper use of psychology in assessing and treating seminarians. For further information, check out the EWTN news site at http://www.ewtn.com/vnews/getstory.asp?number=91905. Psychologists cannot be part of a seminarian's spiritual formation team, thus eliminating any Jungian confusion between psychology and spirituality. Psychological analysis is provided for in cases where there is a need, however spiritual formation is given utmost importance in the life of every seminarian. There is also greater protection of the seminarian's confidentiality, which respects the dignity of the seminarian when facing a difficult problem. Also, psychological testing is deemed acceptable when choosing whether to admit a candidate to the seminary or the priesthood.